Parent Versus Summer Vacation
So my kids ...
They're on summer break right? As parents we all know this is just a conspiracy by the government and "them" (you know who I mean ... t.h.e.m. an acronym for t.eenagers h.ellbent on e.xterminating m.ankind) To what purpose? Driving all the sane parents who are left (our numbers are small)completely off the deep end. As a minority in this country I believe we should stick together.
I keep sending the White House memos about this but my neighbor Mrs.Finch keeps driving by throwing them back at me screaming, "You idiot! Not a white house, the white house!" Her and the President must be on the outs.
Then there's always the fallback theory that they're grooming our survival skills because the hunger games are real and their coming for us. But again I believe this is just misinformation spreading around like bees buzzing in a garden.
By who? Our enemies of course! The children. Back in the war of the sexes ... I feel a flashback coming on ... part of what helped us turn the tides and learn to control the men's feeble minds was misinformation.
By the way ... if you are a man and you are reading this s.o.s. :You love your wife and she is always right. Code word: Falcon Rose.
Either way summer break is a time to be prepared for every contingency. We cannot be lulled into a state of complacency, getting sidetracked into thinking its all about trips to the park, the pool or going to the mall. This is what they want you to do.
Kids are well-trained at distraction and interrogation. When 3 and 4 year olds persistently ask "But why?" has no one else found this peculiar? Perhaps even a little convenient? So cute but annoying at the same time? Our enemies are experts and half the parents in our ranks refuse to even acknowledge the war!!
They bombard us before our coffee (what a low blow!!) Even my cat knows better than to do that.
A good first step is to study your enemy. Befriend him. Act like any other parent. And during all the mushy lovely dovey moments learn how to exploit their weaknesses.
I have one making himself throw up, one who wants to glue himself to my hip (not metaphorically ... actual superglue), one with sworn allegiances to the almighty Netflix gods and *gasp* a teenager.
Teenagers are in a an entirely different ballpark. The knowledge, arrogance, and smart-assery of a whole platoon all crammed into one brain. This squeezes out unnecessary things like common sense, respect for others and the ability to think before speaking. Crazy creatures to meet on the battlefield!
One day I will have 3 teenage boys and so I know I'm on the losing side. One day in a future not to far away they will bury me in a pile of half washed clothes and day old dishes and I will disappear into the mysterious cracks of society.
You might be wondering ...
If I know I'm going to lose in the end, then why stay and fight the good fight? Well, I can guarantee nobody wants to be a martyr here but certain rights must be defended.
The right of a man to come home from a long day, leave his dirty clothes in a string across the house to the fridge for a beer and make his way to the couch without tripping over toys. The right of a mother to feed the kids leftovers without hearing any crying or whining or fighting over it and then feed herself margaritas with a side of mojitos.
I envision a tomorrow where parents get to rest and play and our children will work and take care of us. And NO I don't mean the nursing home in just a few years. I envision an end to the war.
Kids listening to parents. Parents having the right to beat them with sticks (Or maybe stand them in corners). Neighborhoods reserving the right to roast nosey child welfare officers over an open flame with pineapple chipotle bbq sauce. (This one I am sticking with!!)
Is that really asking to much?
They're on summer break right? As parents we all know this is just a conspiracy by the government and "them" (you know who I mean ... t.h.e.m. an acronym for t.eenagers h.ellbent on e.xterminating m.ankind) To what purpose? Driving all the sane parents who are left (our numbers are small)completely off the deep end. As a minority in this country I believe we should stick together.
I keep sending the White House memos about this but my neighbor Mrs.Finch keeps driving by throwing them back at me screaming, "You idiot! Not a white house, the white house!" Her and the President must be on the outs.
Then there's always the fallback theory that they're grooming our survival skills because the hunger games are real and their coming for us. But again I believe this is just misinformation spreading around like bees buzzing in a garden.
By who? Our enemies of course! The children. Back in the war of the sexes ... I feel a flashback coming on ... part of what helped us turn the tides and learn to control the men's feeble minds was misinformation.
By the way ... if you are a man and you are reading this s.o.s. :You love your wife and she is always right. Code word: Falcon Rose.
Either way summer break is a time to be prepared for every contingency. We cannot be lulled into a state of complacency, getting sidetracked into thinking its all about trips to the park, the pool or going to the mall. This is what they want you to do.
Kids are well-trained at distraction and interrogation. When 3 and 4 year olds persistently ask "But why?" has no one else found this peculiar? Perhaps even a little convenient? So cute but annoying at the same time? Our enemies are experts and half the parents in our ranks refuse to even acknowledge the war!!
They bombard us before our coffee (what a low blow!!) Even my cat knows better than to do that.
A good first step is to study your enemy. Befriend him. Act like any other parent. And during all the mushy lovely dovey moments learn how to exploit their weaknesses.
I have one making himself throw up, one who wants to glue himself to my hip (not metaphorically ... actual superglue), one with sworn allegiances to the almighty Netflix gods and *gasp* a teenager.
Teenagers are in a an entirely different ballpark. The knowledge, arrogance, and smart-assery of a whole platoon all crammed into one brain. This squeezes out unnecessary things like common sense, respect for others and the ability to think before speaking. Crazy creatures to meet on the battlefield!
One day I will have 3 teenage boys and so I know I'm on the losing side. One day in a future not to far away they will bury me in a pile of half washed clothes and day old dishes and I will disappear into the mysterious cracks of society.
You might be wondering ...
If I know I'm going to lose in the end, then why stay and fight the good fight? Well, I can guarantee nobody wants to be a martyr here but certain rights must be defended.
The right of a man to come home from a long day, leave his dirty clothes in a string across the house to the fridge for a beer and make his way to the couch without tripping over toys. The right of a mother to feed the kids leftovers without hearing any crying or whining or fighting over it and then feed herself margaritas with a side of mojitos.
I envision a tomorrow where parents get to rest and play and our children will work and take care of us. And NO I don't mean the nursing home in just a few years. I envision an end to the war.
Kids listening to parents. Parents having the right to beat them with sticks (Or maybe stand them in corners). Neighborhoods reserving the right to roast nosey child welfare officers over an open flame with pineapple chipotle bbq sauce. (This one I am sticking with!!)
Is that really asking to much?
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